Passionate Hurricane

If I could have anything in the world it would be to be as independent as I think I am. I walk around every day with a smile on my face pretending to be this strong woman who doesn't need anybody, but really, I do. I need people around me to keep me mentally stable, I need people financially, I need people to help me be a mom. I pretend I can do everything all the time, but it's really a big fat lie. I don't even know how to be alone. I have never done it. For some reason I feel the need to always be wanted, physically and emotionally wanted. If I could be as strong mentally as I am physically, I think I would be a pretty damn good person. What the hell is wrong with me?

I am on my way to divorce number 4, and I am 36 years old! Not really ready to put all my thoughts down about that situation. I'm not even sure who is to blame for this one. I'll just take a step back and tell you about a different fucked up relationship. 

What started out as a physical void I needed filling turned into a whole emotional connection for me.  Unfortunately for me that would be the worst thing that could happen because he wasn't available. His live-in girlfriend of about 7 years didn't really make him available for me to fall in love with. Can anyone even do that anyway? Be physically intimate with someone long term and not have an emotional connection? Apparently not this girl. I don't think I have ever had a man that wasn't disposable to me. Sure, my heart had been broken before, but I have always been able to forget them and move on. It is a defense mechanism for me. Not him through, and I'm not sure why. Maybe because I will never win. May the whole thing that makes me want him the most is because he isn't available. Whatever it was, he had my heart, or whatever was left of it.

He made it easier for me to open up. He was patient. He never got upset that I didn't know what to say, or when it took all night for me to share my thoughts. He was my best friend. I told him everything. TMI but he was the best lover I had ever had. He was also the most complicated relationship I ever had. So many things wrong with what we were doing, but I didn't care. I couldn't walk away. Some crazy, passionate force wouldn't let me. When we got caught, and I started having conversations with his girlfriend everything went up in smoke. I was pissed! I was mentally exhausted! I literally wanted to run them both over twice! At first, I wouldn't have even thought about saying anything bad about that man. I had his back 100% until I didn't. Not when I realized he didn't have mine. I was crazy, I was the liar. If I could go back, I would never have talked to that bitch. She threatened my whole world. Everything I cared about was in jeopardy. What a situation I put myself in over a man. I told her everything and they are still together. Honestly, they truly deserve each other. If a relationship can survive that, I guess it must be pretty special. I'm actually kind of jealous they have a relationship that strong. When do I get that? When is my turn to be happy?

Just to be clear, we never talked about being together. It was never an option for either of us. I had zero expectations for our relationship. I just wanted to really be someone to someone. For once I wanted to feel important, loved and respected. I thought we had that kind of relationship, but we didn't. It didn't happen. It probably will never happen for me. I learned the only thing 100%, the only person I can truly feel that from is myself.  

I still forgave him. I still wanted him to talk to me and spent time with me. I still wanted to be his best friend. I only stayed away about 3 months and hurt every day. It was like a death. Like my best friend died. I missed him all the time. When someone can figure that shit out, please let me know! It's funny the thing I need most, I have never given myself. I need peace. I need a calm environment to stay sane. Sometimes I need to be taken care of.  

I am learning to love myself. I am important to me. I respect me. That is all. 

Madelyn

Madelyn is the girl who made me a mother. She probably saved my life. She was not planned, and I was so scared when I found out I was pregnant . I was however very excited, but I cried for months when I found out. I had only been with her dad for 3 months and I was waiting tables at Pizza Inn. I remember sitting on the bathroom sink of that old farmhouse, getting ready to go out for the night. Something told me I needed to find out before I partied all weekend. I think the air left my lungs when I seen those faint pink lines. The one thing I will always remember about this time in my life is what my dad told me. I called him at work so excited to tell him I was pregnant. His response was “well you have really messed your life up now.” It was time to grow up and I did just that. If only her dad could have grown up with me, maybe things would be different. 

Madelyn is 13 now, and she is my best friend. I am told all the time I should be more of a mother and not a friend to her, but in a way, we grew up together. I want all my kids to be able to tell me everything. I didn’t have that with my parents, so if being her friend makes me a bad mother so be it. Madelyn has turned into an amazing young woman. She excels in everything she does, including school. I don’t know where she got it from, but she is super smart. 

Madelyn got baptized yesterday. When she got saved in bible class at school, I was the only family member she told. If I have done one thing right in life, I know it is being a mother. With tears running down my face, she made a profession of faith, and I can’t even describe how proud I am of her. I hope she puts God first in everything, every day. Lord knows this world can be tough and cruel. I wish she could be an innocent 13-year-old girl forever. I hope she travels the world, has a good career, and most of all I hope she creates a life she doesn't need to escape from. If she does, I damn sure hope she has zero issues doing it on her own. 

#3

 At this point in my life, I am 30 with two small children, going through my second divorce. Working full time and going to school at night meant a lot more time than I wanted away from my kids. I had to tell myself I was doing it all for them and keep pushing through. There were times I feed them instead of myself because I was too proud to just go eat with my parents or ask them for help. Meeting A was a breath of fresh air. A was going thru a divorce as well with two small children. I knew the story with A and his wife, but I ignored the red flags again. 

A and his wife had been together since high school. He was caught cheating with a woman that worked with his wife. She was also cheating with A's best friend. We both had a past and accepted each other's mistakes. I fell hard and fast for A. I also made it completely clear from the beginning what my career goals were at the fire department. At first A was a partier. I think he always struggle with the who he wanted to be. He came from a religious family, but he struggled with walking the straight and narrow. Sometimes he wanted to be a preacher and other times he wanted to be a cowboy. Literally a cowboy. 

I finished school and within a month I got the career I wanted. I got hired with the fire department and was starting recruit school. It wasn't easy but I made it through every obstacle that had been thrown at me. I was so in love with A, sometimes I would just look at him and it brought tears to my eyes. I felt truly blessed to be his. He came into my life at a time I really needed him. We were perfect and so happy. It wasn't long till I started seeing the problems. 

We probably both had some trust issues considering our past. I always just wanted to be with the boys and do the things they were doing. I never really got along with girls, and the girl friends I did have were not girly. Don't get me wrong we liked to dress up and be pretty, but we also didn't mind getting our hands dirty. The were times during recruit school the guys and I would all plan to get together outside of work. A was always invited, but he never interacted with any of the guys. He literally sat in the corner and pouted. He was extremely jealous. I'm not an idiot. I know I am a pretty girl in the fire service. Guys look at me, but there was no way I wanted to put any man between us. 

One night after meeting the guys at the bar for my birthday, I got so mad at him I left the bar without telling him. He looked for me for hours. At his point we were living together, and I just went home. He was upset I had a couple drinks with the guys, and well he was in his preacher phase again. The morning after, he asked me to marry him. 

Our wedding was beautiful. My girls and his daughter walked me down the isle and met him and his son. We both wrote vows to each other and the kids. It was a candle lit ceremony in front of a pond in the woods and for me it was perfect. We bought a home together in Nichols and we were starting a life together. Six months into the relationship everything changed. I am not perfect, no one is. I had a guy friend at the FD. His sister died years ago, and she was a good friend of mine. We have known each other forever. It may be weird to some people, but we tell each other we love each other. It has always been a friendly I love you. He is married with kids of his own. Alot of people actually think he is gay.  Anyway, it was an issue for A and he didn't want me communicating with him. He didn't really want me talking to any of the guy friends. He also obviously didn't like being alone at night when I was at work either. I found out about shirtless snapchats in our bed he sent to an older lady who lived down the road. I also found that he was also still communicating with the women he cheated on his wife with. Not just communicating but telling this woman he missed her. Now I have no idea if A ever physically cheated on me, but that was enough for me. We tried to work it out, but I couldn't even look at him. I wanted out. 

After I found all the stuff out, I waited for him at home. Golf club in hand, I sat in the recliner trying to calm myself. When he came in the door it was an immediate verbal fight. At some point he told me I made him so mad he wanted to blow my head off. Now we had guns in the house, and I loved my job and had learned my lesson going to J Rueben. I got the guns and locked myself in the bathroom. My heart was completely broken. How did we get there? This man that six months before I would have done absolutely anything for.  His kids were just starting to really look at me as their second mom. That is when I learned that some people are just supposed to be in your life for a season. They have a purpose for a time, and then you are supposed to move on. We sold the house, and I bought a camper to put at my parent's farm. The last place I wanted to be. 

Then came the months of panic attacks. Another divorce, back at my parent's farm and starting a physically and mentally demanding career, almost broke me. I always struggled with my mental health, but this time I had no choice. I had to get help. After months of counseling and being prescribed medication that I actually took, I was determined to get out the slump. 

Unfortunately, out of my slump always turned into getting out and meeting another man. I never stayed single for long. 

#2

You know all those times my dad said I couldn't go out? I made up for it in my early twenties. The year during my separation from #1 was just one big party. I rented a room in a home with one of my cousin's friends. She was hardly ever home, so I always had people over.  I didn't stay single but maybe a month and I met J. J was the life of the party. It was during that relationship I really started drinking a lot more and experimenting with drugs. Nothing too crazy. Just smoking weed, taking pills and I tried cocaine a few times. J had two kids by two different girls by the time he was in his early twenties. I guess I have always ignored red flags. 

That relationship ended and I moved again into an old farmhouse with my best friend. Then I met D, my #2. A night out at the bar turned into being in the backseat of his truck. 3 months later I was pregnant with Madelyn. D and I rented a house together in Conway. It was a small brick home, but we didn't need a lot. Neither one of us had a career in mind, and money was tight. D and I got along great till I got pregnant. I had to grow up and D, well he just wasn't ready yet. We got engaged while I was pregnant, but didn't tie the knot till Madelyn was 9 months old. Like the last marriage we had big argument the night before and I told my mom I didn't want to marry him. My mother replied, "don't do this again." She had once again put a lot of time and effort into the wedding. Many nights I sat at home not even knowing where he was. He had already had one DUI before we met. D was not a fun drunk and more times than I can count he peed the bed or in the recliner after a night out. The relationship was not only verbally abusive, but we also got physical with each other several times. One night in particular was the worst. D had been gone a few days till I decided to find out where he was. I did the find my iphone thing, left Madelyn with her grandma and picked up a friend to ride with me. My phone took me to a hunting club in the middle of nowhere. I walked up, grabbed a beer and poured it on his head. I said something like, "here have another." That is when every man around that campfire stood up, and well I started swinging. 

Now let me just say because I had 2 brothers and had been training in karate since I was eight, I can definitely hold my own. At some point D and I ended up in the river. I grabbed a hand full of sand and rubbed it in his eyes as I held his head under the water. I decided not to kill him eventually and crawled out the river. Big mistake because D got the best of me. He put his hands around my neck and strangled me. D is 6'4'' and about 250. A friend of his pulled him off. I found my keys and left, but not before my friend who was driving my car backed into a tree. Most of my clothes had been pulled off, my hand hurt, my throat hurt, and I had bruises all over me. I went to the hospital the next day to check on my hand. They had to know I was lying about what happened. I clearly had a handprint on my throat. 

We eventually separated, but not till 5 years later and 2 girls. Aubree, our second child was 2. We were trying to share the house while we were selling it, and that's when things got really bad for me. D showed up one day at our home. I had the kids in the car about to get dinner. He grabbed my phone and tried to take off with it. The growing up thing, well I didn't completely grow up either, and again was not being faithful. We chased each other around the yard until he eventually got in his truck with my phone. I then realized Madelyn was in his backseat. In an attempt to stop him from driving off mad and endangering our daughter, I jumped on the front of the truck. I pulled the handle off the truck, got my daughter and punched him in the chest. He called the police and 3 days later I was in J Reuben Long. Not even the first time he called the cops on me. 

Working a county job, an arrest was frowned upon, and I was working in the courthouse. It didn't help I was arrested at work, with a warrant out for 3 days. After spending 24 hours in a cell and seeing the judge, surprisingly my dad was waiting to pick me up. My boss saved me from being fired and I took a suspension in the event that my charges were dropped I could go back to work. 

Let me back up to right before the separation because this is important. I was turning 30 soon and unhappy with everything currently in my life. I decided to step back into the first responder path, signed up for EMT school at HGTC and applied to be a volunteer firefighter with Horry County Fire Rescue. I had a plan to better myself, but D did not like the idea. Guess the idea of me being in a male dominated field and being on shift for 24 hours wasn't okay with him. That was the nail in the coffin for us because I did it anyway. 

There I was two small girls, no job, going back to school and I couldn't go back to my house. I was at the lowest point in my life. I decided to move back into that old farmhouse, but this time by myself. My rent wasn't hardly anything because a family friend owned the home, so I decided to fix it up. Things were starting to look up. My dad got me out the CDV mess and I went back to work after about two weeks of suspension. That's when I met #3. My heart was not prepared for #3. 

Regret #1

My dad is a good man. I would even say he is a good father, protector and provider. Most of all he loves my mama. I should be proud to be his daughter. I never needed anything, but if I wanted something I had to come to him for a reason I needed it. Before going back to school after summer break, I would take the money I made on the farm and money he gave my mom to go school shopping. When he came home from work, I would do a fashion show for him with all my new outfits. I don't remember him ever telling me I looked pretty or any positive comment about my outfits, but for some reason I always wanted to show him what I got. 

Talking to my dad was always very difficult for me. Going out with my friends in high school was never an option. My dad always thought of ways I could die by leaving the house and the answer was always no. Although me and my mom where close, my dad had the say in what I could do and where I could go. 

My relationship went downhill with my mom in my teenager years. We had knock down drag outs often. Objects were often used in our fights. From laundry baskets, shoes and corded home phones, I knew how it felt to get hit by any of them. I begged for a public job as soon as I could work. Working was my only freedom out the house. Unfortunately, my parents knew that and often used it as a way of punishment. If I got in trouble, I wasn't allowed to go into work that day. I remember one day I got the keys anyway and my mom stood behind the car as I was trying to drive out. I told her if she didn't move, I would run her over. 

I wouldn't say I was a bad child. I did the normal teenage shit. Skipped school one time, tried a drink or two. My parents always seemed to find out everything I did. I had this one guy friend I grew up with. We will call him B. His dad was friends with my dad, so we grew up fishing and being out at the hunting club together. My parents have a big pond of their farm so we would get out there in the canoe together during the summer. Of course, I always had the biggest crush on him. My parent's farm is only a few minutes drive from the back of our property to the river. I love the river, and I spent alot of time as a child on the private boat landing Cat Island. I remember one particular day as a teenager I went to Cat Island with my older brother. My brother's friends were there and so was B. B got a call that one of his boys had drove into a ditch and asked me to ride to pull him out. On the way back B drove into a cut down and parked. Things happened in that truck that I didn't want to happen. Fortunately for me I had never done anything like that before, so he didn't accomplish what he wanted to. It also started pouring down rain, so my dad drove down to the river to see why my brother and I hadn't made it back home. My dad saw B's truck parked, and we saw my dad, so we drove back to the landing. My dad saved me that day, but that was also the day he told me he washed his hands of me. I stayed silent and didn't try to defend myself. Same as I did in B's truck. That wasn't the last time in my life I got into a bad situation with B. 

My dad never allowed me to ride in the car with another teenager. One day two of my girl friends and I decided to cut school and go to the beach. My parents found out and my dad picked me up from soccer practice early when he did. My dad beat me with the belt when I got home. I am the only child my dad ever beat. The next day at school I got called to the counselor's office and asked to see my bruises. They took pictures and opened a DSS case on my dad. I didn't see it, but my mom told me my dad cried. I wasn't allowed to finish the soccer season.

As long as my parents knew their parents, I was allowed to stay the night with friends. They had more freedom than I did so every now and then we could get out for a while without my parents knowing. Most times I was just in trouble for being on the home phone all night with my boyfriend or staying late at work to see him. I was sixteen, and he was my first love. He actually went to my house one day alone and asked my dad permission to date me. We were together for 3 years until I just outgrew him. I think I still have a box of memories from him at my parents. Pictures and every love note he left me on my car when I was at work. That boy hung the moon, and I would give anything to feel that way about a man now. 

My goal early in life was to go into Law Enforcement. I received enough scholarships to go for Francis Marion in Florence, SC at no cost. My dad had different plans for my life, and I was persuaded with a new Chevy Cobalt to stay home and go to college for Business. During my college years I met my first husband. 

My first husband was about 6 years older than me. He had his own home and a good job so the freedom I had with him was great. I was 19 when we met and I moved in fairly quickly. We had some good memories together in the beginning. He even took me to Cancun on vacation. The first vacation I had ever been on. We always had his group of friends over and it was always a party. We were engaged a year into our relationship and a year after we were married. Our wedding was beautiful except for the white doves that flew into cars and died when they were released. Who knew they couldn't see well after dark? We were married in the church I grew up in and our open bar reception was a hell of a party. One of his groomsmen was arrested for DUI that night. I had just turned 21. The DJ played Kung Fu Fighting during our reception because my husband had a black eye, I gave him a week before after his bachelor party. Not the first time we had been in a physical altercation during our relationship. 

The week before our wedding I was in the shower after being out with the girls. He had just come home from his bachelor party, and I don't even remember what he was upset about, but I ended up wrapped in a shower curtain with him on top of me before his friends heard the noise and came inside. They threw me in the truck, and I stayed at the house they all shared together that night. I woke up ready to call the wedding off. His mom said the wedding planning had been stressful for us and I had cold feet. My mom said she had spent a lot of money and time preparing for the wedding, and we needed to get it together. I went through with it. Three months later we were separated. I left a note when I packed my things telling him I hoped he would forgive me one day. I'm not sure he ever did.

Looking back, I should have never let our relationship get that far. I was learning how to be free and wasn't faithful to him. I did think I loved him, but really, we were just good friends. I tried to go back 6 months into our separation, but a party turned into a fight about me smoking weed in his house. We actually stayed friends up until a couple years later when he got his girlfriend pregnant. I'm not sure he got married again but last time I heard they were still together. I also heard he went to rehab a few times. His girlfriend was never happy about us keeping in touch, so we lost contact. I have a tattoo in big letters above my pelvis to remember the ending of that relationship. FREEDOM in all capital letters. What a good decision that was. 

Make Me a Bird

Growing up my whole world consisted of 30 acres. 30 acres of beautiful farmland in Conway, SC. Christian parents who had been together since they were 12 and 2 brothers. My younger brother was my best friend. Dressing him up in dresses and putting on makeup for the make-believe Mister Master pageant was some of my best memories with him as kids. My older brother, while we were closer in age, I don't remember much play time with him. He mostly kept to himself.

We were not poor however we lived below our means. My summers consisted of working in the fields to buy the clothes I wanted for school. If not, I got hand me downs from family friends. There were no family vacations, going out to eat and no cable TV. I never understood why we had a dryer that we never used. We hung our clothes on the clothesline. My pants would be so stiff they would stand up straight before I even put them on. 

I spent most of my time with my mom. My dad was either hunting, fishing or working and those activities never included me. My brothers got that time with my dad. I was a girl, the only girl, and hanging out with the boys was not lady like. My dad was old school. No kisses, hugs, I love you's and definitely no sitting in my dad's lap. I envied the daddy's girls growing up. One of my best friends in school was a daddy's girl. I would watch her sitting in her dad's lap while they talked about their day, and I just remember just being so sad. I would never know what that felt like. I would never even have a real conversation with my dad. I didn't realize till later in life that the reason and result of this would be the basis for all my self-induced trauma.

Those 30 acres were my parents' paradise. A place they never cared to leave. To me the long, dirt driveway in was just a long rode I would never reach the end of.