#2

You know all those times my dad said I couldn't go out? I made up for it in my early twenties. The year during my separation from #1 was just one big party. I rented a room in a home with one of my cousin's friends. She was hardly ever home, so I always had people over.  I didn't stay single but maybe a month and I met J. J was the life of the party. It was during that relationship I really started drinking a lot more and experimenting with drugs. Nothing too crazy. Just smoking weed, taking pills and I tried cocaine a few times. J had two kids by two different girls by the time he was in his early twenties. I guess I have always ignored red flags. 

That relationship ended and I moved again into an old farmhouse with my best friend. Then I met D, my #2. A night out at the bar turned into being in the backseat of his truck. 3 months later I was pregnant with Madelyn. D and I rented a house together in Conway. It was a small brick home, but we didn't need a lot. Neither one of us had a career in mind, and money was tight. D and I got along great till I got pregnant. I had to grow up and D, well he just wasn't ready yet. We got engaged while I was pregnant, but didn't tie the knot till Madelyn was 9 months old. Like the last marriage we had big argument the night before and I told my mom I didn't want to marry him. My mother replied, "don't do this again." She had once again put a lot of time and effort into the wedding. Many nights I sat at home not even knowing where he was. He had already had one DUI before we met. D was not a fun drunk and more times than I can count he peed the bed or in the recliner after a night out. The relationship was not only verbally abusive, but we also got physical with each other several times. One night in particular was the worst. D had been gone a few days till I decided to find out where he was. I did the find my iphone thing, left Madelyn with her grandma and picked up a friend to ride with me. My phone took me to a hunting club in the middle of nowhere. I walked up, grabbed a beer and poured it on his head. I said something like, "here have another." That is when every man around that campfire stood up, and well I started swinging. 

Now let me just say because I had 2 brothers and had been training in karate since I was eight, I can definitely hold my own. At some point D and I ended up in the river. I grabbed a hand full of sand and rubbed it in his eyes as I held his head under the water. I decided not to kill him eventually and crawled out the river. Big mistake because D got the best of me. He put his hands around my neck and strangled me. D is 6'4'' and about 250. A friend of his pulled him off. I found my keys and left, but not before my friend who was driving my car backed into a tree. Most of my clothes had been pulled off, my hand hurt, my throat hurt, and I had bruises all over me. I went to the hospital the next day to check on my hand. They had to know I was lying about what happened. I clearly had a handprint on my throat. 

We eventually separated, but not till 5 years later and 2 girls. Aubree, our second child was 2. We were trying to share the house while we were selling it, and that's when things got really bad for me. D showed up one day at our home. I had the kids in the car about to get dinner. He grabbed my phone and tried to take off with it. The growing up thing, well I didn't completely grow up either, and again was not being faithful. We chased each other around the yard until he eventually got in his truck with my phone. I then realized Madelyn was in his backseat. In an attempt to stop him from driving off mad and endangering our daughter, I jumped on the front of the truck. I pulled the handle off the truck, got my daughter and punched him in the chest. He called the police and 3 days later I was in J Reuben Long. Not even the first time he called the cops on me. 

Working a county job, an arrest was frowned upon, and I was working in the courthouse. It didn't help I was arrested at work, with a warrant out for 3 days. After spending 24 hours in a cell and seeing the judge, surprisingly my dad was waiting to pick me up. My boss saved me from being fired and I took a suspension in the event that my charges were dropped I could go back to work. 

Let me back up to right before the separation because this is important. I was turning 30 soon and unhappy with everything currently in my life. I decided to step back into the first responder path, signed up for EMT school at HGTC and applied to be a volunteer firefighter with Horry County Fire Rescue. I had a plan to better myself, but D did not like the idea. Guess the idea of me being in a male dominated field and being on shift for 24 hours wasn't okay with him. That was the nail in the coffin for us because I did it anyway. 

There I was two small girls, no job, going back to school and I couldn't go back to my house. I was at the lowest point in my life. I decided to move back into that old farmhouse, but this time by myself. My rent wasn't hardly anything because a family friend owned the home, so I decided to fix it up. Things were starting to look up. My dad got me out the CDV mess and I went back to work after about two weeks of suspension. That's when I met #3. My heart was not prepared for #3. 

Regret #1

My dad is a good man. I would even say he is a good father, protector and provider. Most of all he loves my mama. I should be proud to be his daughter. I never needed anything, but if I wanted something I had to come to him for a reason I needed it. Before going back to school after summer break, I would take the money I made on the farm and money he gave my mom to go school shopping. When he came home from work, I would do a fashion show for him with all my new outfits. I don't remember him ever telling me I looked pretty or any positive comment about my outfits, but for some reason I always wanted to show him what I got. 

Talking to my dad was always very difficult for me. Going out with my friends in high school was never an option. My dad always thought of ways I could die by leaving the house and the answer was always no. Although me and my mom where close, my dad had the say in what I could do and where I could go. 

My relationship went downhill with my mom in my teenager years. We had knock down drag outs often. Objects were often used in our fights. From laundry baskets, shoes and corded home phones, I knew how it felt to get hit by any of them. I begged for a public job as soon as I could work. Working was my only freedom out the house. Unfortunately, my parents knew that and often used it as a way of punishment. If I got in trouble, I wasn't allowed to go into work that day. I remember one day I got the keys anyway and my mom stood behind the car as I was trying to drive out. I told her if she didn't move, I would run her over. 

I wouldn't say I was a bad child. I did the normal teenage shit. Skipped school one time, tried a drink or two. My parents always seemed to find out everything I did. I had this one guy friend I grew up with. We will call him B. His dad was friends with my dad, so we grew up fishing and being out at the hunting club together. My parents have a big pond of their farm so we would get out there in the canoe together during the summer. Of course, I always had the biggest crush on him. My parent's farm is only a few minutes drive from the back of our property to the river. I love the river, and I spent alot of time as a child on the private boat landing Cat Island. I remember one particular day as a teenager I went to Cat Island with my older brother. My brother's friends were there and so was B. B got a call that one of his boys had drove into a ditch and asked me to ride to pull him out. On the way back B drove into a cut down and parked. Things happened in that truck that I didn't want to happen. Fortunately for me I had never done anything like that before, so he didn't accomplish what he wanted to. It also started pouring down rain, so my dad drove down to the river to see why my brother and I hadn't made it back home. My dad saw B's truck parked, and we saw my dad, so we drove back to the landing. My dad saved me that day, but that was also the day he told me he washed his hands of me. I stayed silent and didn't try to defend myself. Same as I did in B's truck. That wasn't the last time in my life I got into a bad situation with B. 

My dad never allowed me to ride in the car with another teenager. One day two of my girl friends and I decided to cut school and go to the beach. My parents found out and my dad picked me up from soccer practice early when he did. My dad beat me with the belt when I got home. I am the only child my dad ever beat. The next day at school I got called to the counselor's office and asked to see my bruises. They took pictures and opened a DSS case on my dad. I didn't see it, but my mom told me my dad cried. I wasn't allowed to finish the soccer season.

As long as my parents knew their parents, I was allowed to stay the night with friends. They had more freedom than I did so every now and then we could get out for a while without my parents knowing. Most times I was just in trouble for being on the home phone all night with my boyfriend or staying late at work to see him. I was sixteen, and he was my first love. He actually went to my house one day alone and asked my dad permission to date me. We were together for 3 years until I just outgrew him. I think I still have a box of memories from him at my parents. Pictures and every love note he left me on my car when I was at work. That boy hung the moon, and I would give anything to feel that way about a man now. 

My goal early in life was to go into Law Enforcement. I received enough scholarships to go for Francis Marion in Florence, SC at no cost. My dad had different plans for my life, and I was persuaded with a new Chevy Cobalt to stay home and go to college for Business. During my college years I met my first husband. 

My first husband was about 6 years older than me. He had his own home and a good job so the freedom I had with him was great. I was 19 when we met and I moved in fairly quickly. We had some good memories together in the beginning. He even took me to Cancun on vacation. The first vacation I had ever been on. We always had his group of friends over and it was always a party. We were engaged a year into our relationship and a year after we were married. Our wedding was beautiful except for the white doves that flew into cars and died when they were released. Who knew they couldn't see well after dark? We were married in the church I grew up in and our open bar reception was a hell of a party. One of his groomsmen was arrested for DUI that night. I had just turned 21. The DJ played Kung Fu Fighting during our reception because my husband had a black eye, I gave him a week before after his bachelor party. Not the first time we had been in a physical altercation during our relationship. 

The week before our wedding I was in the shower after being out with the girls. He had just come home from his bachelor party, and I don't even remember what he was upset about, but I ended up wrapped in a shower curtain with him on top of me before his friends heard the noise and came inside. They threw me in the truck, and I stayed at the house they all shared together that night. I woke up ready to call the wedding off. His mom said the wedding planning had been stressful for us and I had cold feet. My mom said she had spent a lot of money and time preparing for the wedding, and we needed to get it together. I went through with it. Three months later we were separated. I left a note when I packed my things telling him I hoped he would forgive me one day. I'm not sure he ever did.

Looking back, I should have never let our relationship get that far. I was learning how to be free and wasn't faithful to him. I did think I loved him, but really, we were just good friends. I tried to go back 6 months into our separation, but a party turned into a fight about me smoking weed in his house. We actually stayed friends up until a couple years later when he got his girlfriend pregnant. I'm not sure he got married again but last time I heard they were still together. I also heard he went to rehab a few times. His girlfriend was never happy about us keeping in touch, so we lost contact. I have a tattoo in big letters above my pelvis to remember the ending of that relationship. FREEDOM in all capital letters. What a good decision that was. 

Make Me a Bird

Growing up my whole world consisted of 30 acres. 30 acres of beautiful farmland in Conway, SC. Christian parents who had been together since they were 12 and 2 brothers. My younger brother was my best friend. Dressing him up in dresses and putting on makeup for the make-believe Mister Master pageant was some of my best memories with him as kids. My older brother, while we were closer in age, I don't remember much play time with him. He mostly kept to himself.

We were not poor however we lived below our means. My summers consisted of working in the fields to buy the clothes I wanted for school. If not, I got hand me downs from family friends. There were no family vacations, going out to eat and no cable TV. I never understood why we had a dryer that we never used. We hung our clothes on the clothesline. My pants would be so stiff they would stand up straight before I even put them on. 

I spent most of my time with my mom. My dad was either hunting, fishing or working and those activities never included me. My brothers got that time with my dad. I was a girl, the only girl, and hanging out with the boys was not lady like. My dad was old school. No kisses, hugs, I love you's and definitely no sitting in my dad's lap. I envied the daddy's girls growing up. One of my best friends in school was a daddy's girl. I would watch her sitting in her dad's lap while they talked about their day, and I just remember just being so sad. I would never know what that felt like. I would never even have a real conversation with my dad. I didn't realize till later in life that the reason and result of this would be the basis for all my self-induced trauma.

Those 30 acres were my parents' paradise. A place they never cared to leave. To me the long, dirt driveway in was just a long rode I would never reach the end of.