At this point in my life, I am 30 with two small children, going through my second divorce. Working full time and going to school at night meant a lot more time than I wanted away from my kids. I had to tell myself I was doing it all for them and keep pushing through. There were times I feed them instead of myself because I was too proud to just go eat with my parents or ask them for help. Meeting A was a breath of fresh air. A was going thru a divorce as well with two small children. I knew the story with A and his wife, but I ignored the red flags again.
A and his wife had been together since high school. He was caught cheating with a woman that worked with his wife. She was also cheating with A's best friend. We both had a past and accepted each other's mistakes. I fell hard and fast for A. I also made it completely clear from the beginning what my career goals were at the fire department. At first A was a partier. I think he always struggle with the who he wanted to be. He came from a religious family, but he struggled with walking the straight and narrow. Sometimes he wanted to be a preacher and other times he wanted to be a cowboy. Literally a cowboy.
I finished school and within a month I got the career I wanted. I got hired with the fire department and was starting recruit school. It wasn't easy but I made it through every obstacle that had been thrown at me. I was so in love with A, sometimes I would just look at him and it brought tears to my eyes. I felt truly blessed to be his. He came into my life at a time I really needed him. We were perfect and so happy. It wasn't long till I started seeing the problems.
We probably both had some trust issues considering our past. I always just wanted to be with the boys and do the things they were doing. I never really got along with girls, and the girl friends I did have were not girly. Don't get me wrong we liked to dress up and be pretty, but we also didn't mind getting our hands dirty. The were times during recruit school the guys and I would all plan to get together outside of work. A was always invited, but he never interacted with any of the guys. He literally sat in the corner and pouted. He was extremely jealous. I'm not an idiot. I know I am a pretty girl in the fire service. Guys look at me, but there was no way I wanted to put any man between us.
One night after meeting the guys at the bar for my birthday, I got so mad at him I left the bar without telling him. He looked for me for hours. At his point we were living together, and I just went home. He was upset I had a couple drinks with the guys, and well he was in his preacher phase again. The morning after, he asked me to marry him.
Our wedding was beautiful. My girls and his daughter walked me down the isle and met him and his son. We both wrote vows to each other and the kids. It was a candle lit ceremony in front of a pond in the woods and for me it was perfect. We bought a home together in Nichols and we were starting a life together. Six months into the relationship everything changed. I am not perfect, no one is. I had a guy friend at the FD. His sister died years ago, and she was a good friend of mine. We have known each other forever. It may be weird to some people, but we tell each other we love each other. It has always been a friendly I love you. He is married with kids of his own. Alot of people actually think he is gay. Anyway, it was an issue for A and he didn't want me communicating with him. He didn't really want me talking to any of the guy friends. He also obviously didn't like being alone at night when I was at work either. I found out about shirtless snapchats in our bed he sent to an older lady who lived down the road. I also found that he was also still communicating with the women he cheated on his wife with. Not just communicating but telling this woman he missed her. Now I have no idea if A ever physically cheated on me, but that was enough for me. We tried to work it out, but I couldn't even look at him. I wanted out.
After I found all the stuff out, I waited for him at home. Golf club in hand, I sat in the recliner trying to calm myself. When he came in the door it was an immediate verbal fight. At some point he told me I made him so mad he wanted to blow my head off. Now we had guns in the house, and I loved my job and had learned my lesson going to J Rueben. I got the guns and locked myself in the bathroom. My heart was completely broken. How did we get there? This man that six months before I would have done absolutely anything for. His kids were just starting to really look at me as their second mom. That is when I learned that some people are just supposed to be in your life for a season. They have a purpose for a time, and then you are supposed to move on. We sold the house, and I bought a camper to put at my parent's farm. The last place I wanted to be.
Then came the months of panic attacks. Another divorce, back at my parent's farm and starting a physically and mentally demanding career, almost broke me. I always struggled with my mental health, but this time I had no choice. I had to get help. After months of counseling and being prescribed medication that I actually took, I was determined to get out the slump.
Unfortunately, out of my slump always turned into getting out and meeting another man. I never stayed single for long.
